A Day Late

I have to stop myself sometimes when I'm writing because I won't allow myself to be myself. I'm a Libra, so I tend to look for the balance at all times. So in writing this post this evening in which I find myself anxious and a little depressed because my cycle did not start today as it should have, my brain immediately chastised me because I should acknowledge all of the good things about today instead of complaining.

But dammit, I have the right to complain. I have the right to be unhappy and to be concerned that my upcoming IUI won't result in a precious little baby. I don't have to be happy and peppy and chipper all the time and I don't have to always be positive. Sometimes, just sometimes, I need to get angry and holler and scream and be upset that I don't have a husband or boyfriend and instead I have to worry about timing and trigger shots and donors and going to the RE instead of just doing this at home with my partner. And the cost... I can not even bear to think about the cost today because it's astronomical - when you have no health insurance.

There. Now I have acknowledged what I've never said before and just released it into the atmosphere. This is stressful and I've been working so hard at trying to NOT be stressed about it, I feel like a powder keg. The faith that resides in my core is the only thing that is keeping me sane and I'm holding on to that faith with my shortened fingernails.

But I'm still holding on to the belief that everything will be just fine.

My period will come, my cycle will begin, and I will still be moving forward, making my way toward IUI#1.

And I will look back at this post one day while holding my sweet little baby, and as I'm sniffing their sweet smelling head, I will be grateful for everything that I'd ever gone through for them.