Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Calm Before the Calm

I had a post typed up that I was going to share, but in reading it over, I don't feel that I need to say all of that.

I'm basking in bliss and positivity now and I'm only expecting good news.

So I am just going to relax and enjoy this day.

Peace and calm to all of you.

And I thank you so much for your comments and encouraging words and positive thoughts.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Growing Closer Every Day

Today is 8dpo (8dpiui) and I'm beginning to get nervous. It's not that I'm asymptomatic because I am experiencing some things. My friend is convinced that I am pregnant and I am reserving what I officially feel. But I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility. I think talking to my doctor's office instilled a little doubt in me, to be honest because I've felt absolutely positive before this.

I had my progesterone draw and I need assistance in the progesterone department. They said that if I get a positive beta, I take it for 10 wks, otherwise just for one. Of course, I am praying that I get to take it for 10.

The doctor also said that if this cycle didn't work, they want me to do a hybrid cycle with injectibles next cycle. Hmm. I almost said - "Well this one worked, so I don't need to worry about that." LOL! So I guess in all honesty, I'm feeling positive about this. I'm almost afraid to feel positive about it, but really I do. I feel good about this cycle, even though I only had one mature follicle. As I stated in my last post, that is all it takes. So I'm not giving up hope.

I'm getting my progesterone today and beginning my regimen and I'm planning on having to take it for 10 weeks! I have to think positively about this and believe that my IUI worked. If I go by the symptoms I've been experiencing, I'd definitely say that it did!

I believe...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Six Days

It's been six days since my IUI and I'm thankful that I've been able to be busy with this holiday season to really focus on it. When I do think about it is at night when the strange dreams come. Last night, every time I closed my eyes I had very vivid dreams. In all of them I know that I am pregnant, even though it is very early on. It leaves me feeling shaky and strange.

Last night's dream stayed with me once I woke up. Not the actual dream itself, but the feeling that I had in knowing that I was pregnant. There was elation, but there was intense fear. I was scared that I wasn't pregnant but also afraid that I was. All of the fear (can I do this, was this the right thing, will I be a good mother) came filtering back in and I woke up with my heart pounding.

One thing that I do know is that I will have these fears. I will wonder if I should have done this or if I should have invested in moving myself to New Zealand as I had dreamed. But the reality is, there is nothing that I want more. And I accept the fear that will come - along with any and all joy, elation, trepidation, and happiness.

It's been six days since I took the biggest step of my life and for now, I just have to wait and see what the outcome is.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dreaming of You

I can't be the only one who dreams about my baby, can I?

Last night's dream was very interesting and I can't get it out of my head.

I was at the movies with my mother and my younger brother and during intermission (what?!) he turned to me and said he had to change the baby. I was confused because my niece is going to be three in February, so she's not a baby. (Just ask her!) He got up and when he sat back down, he had this BEAUTIFUL little baby boy and he began changing his diaper on his lap. I just stared at this baby and he looked at me - like he knew me.

And I knew him.

I said to my brother - "That's not your baby, that's MY baby!" And my brother flashed me a big smile as I took him from him and held him to me.

Now what I love most about this dream is that I have dreamed about this baby for a few months now. It is the same baby. He's gorgeous and I always know him and he always knows me.

So the next part is for this to become a reality. I'm making it happen.

While I wait

Coffee on morning of ultrasound: $1.29

Ultrasound at RE's office: $200.00

Being so in tune with your body that you recognize that you ovulated while walking across the parking on the way TO the ultrasound: PRICELESS


And yes, that did happen to me.

After my ultrasounds last Thursday and Saturday, I was due to go in on Monday to monitor my follicle's progress. (I only had one promising follicle, but at least I had one.) As I walked from my car across the parking lot, I felt a pop on my right side and I knew that that was it. When I was having the ultrasound, the tech was unable to find the follicle. It was taking forever and she told me she couldn't see it. I asked her what that meant and she said it meant I'd ovulated. To say that I was devastated was an understatement. They said that they would talk to my RE and figure out what to do.

I'm not the type of person to sit around, so I kept talking until I spoke to someone that I knew would be on the phone with the RE as soon as we hung up. So yes, I had ovulated so we had to push everything ahead - quickly. Within 7 hours of my ovulation, I had my IUI and I have to say, I'm thankful that it happened that way. I didn't have time to get nervous or anxious. I was in there and it was done.

And so I wait. It's 2dpo/2dpiui and I have a long wait ahead of me. I gave myself the Ovidrel shot on Monday and the bloating is disappearing. I have my progesterone check next Monday, my beta the following Monday.  The only thing that I have to do is relax and be positive. I admit that I was bummed that I only had the one follicle that grew, but in the grand scheme of things, it only takes one!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Relax and Breathe

Today was a hard day for some reason. I received excellent news from the andrologist about the quality of my AD, but it only put me in a further state of panic. I think it's just because I know that not only is it soon, but it's REALLY soon. My ultrasound is in three days, I trigger and then IUI a day or two after that. But the worst part is that the negative voice has decided it wanted to take residence in my brain and has been telling me how it's not going to work and why am I bothering...

I'm trying not to hyperventilate. 

All I want to do is relax and breathe. I'm holding on to any and all hope that I can muster that this will work for me because I don't have insurance to pay for numerous procedures. I'd really rather be spending my money on the child than spending it all to get one.* But I'll do whatever I have to do to make it happen.

Until it does, until it happens (and it will happen), I'll be reteaching myself to relax and to inhale.


*I apologize if that sounds selfish, but I'm feeling a bit selfish tonight.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Send in the Clowns

Today is CD7 and I am loving it!

Apparently construction has started on the circus tent that is to be housed in my uterus. I can feel the twinges and pangs and while it makes me a bit anxious, it also excites me to no end. All I keep thinking is - "I'm building you a new home, baby!"

I should have posted yesterday, but I just was not feeling up to the challenge. Yesterday was the day for me to make my final donor selection and I was heartbroken when I found out that my #1 choice was out. As was my #2. #3 was no longer listed because he was also out, so at this point I was almost in tears with the poor person at the lab. Finally I went through my old donor favorite list I had printed out and found one that I had mistakenly deleted off the list. (I remember when I did it, I told myself to re-add him, but I forget to do to.) I asked for him and was told that he was in.

The thing is, it wasn't that he was my fourth choice. I believe that, in reality, he was my first choice. As I went back through and read and saw his picture I wondered why he hadn't been my first choice.

So I've taken what I had initially believed to be a negative and seen it for what it really is - an incredible positive. It is apparent that HE was meant to be the one.

I'm moving forward, so excited about my upcoming IUI and hoping and believing that I will get that BFP for New Year's!