I have had this thought of having a child for the past ten years.
I have been working with a natural doctor on my hormone levels for the past seven months.
I have been working with an RE for the past three months.
I have been on my first official TTC cycle (IUI#1) for three days.
And tonight, I have taken my first round of Femara.
Finally. A decade in the making and I'm finally making this happen.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
12 Days
12 days.
My first IUI is tentatively in twelve days.
By Christmas, I may have an inkling as to whether I'm pregnant.
By New Years Eve, I will have had my first beta and if all goes well, I will have missed my period.
That means I could possibly be pregnant by January of next year.
Unbelievable.
I shall remain hopeful and positive for this IUI.
In 12 days, my life could be forever changed.
My first IUI is tentatively in twelve days.
By Christmas, I may have an inkling as to whether I'm pregnant.
By New Years Eve, I will have had my first beta and if all goes well, I will have missed my period.
That means I could possibly be pregnant by January of next year.
Unbelievable.
I shall remain hopeful and positive for this IUI.
In 12 days, my life could be forever changed.
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Saturday, December 4, 2010
A Day Late
I have to stop myself sometimes when I'm writing because I won't allow myself to be myself. I'm a Libra, so I tend to look for the balance at all times. So in writing this post this evening in which I find myself anxious and a little depressed because my cycle did not start today as it should have, my brain immediately chastised me because I should acknowledge all of the good things about today instead of complaining.
But dammit, I have the right to complain. I have the right to be unhappy and to be concerned that my upcoming IUI won't result in a precious little baby. I don't have to be happy and peppy and chipper all the time and I don't have to always be positive. Sometimes, just sometimes, I need to get angry and holler and scream and be upset that I don't have a husband or boyfriend and instead I have to worry about timing and trigger shots and donors and going to the RE instead of just doing this at home with my partner. And the cost... I can not even bear to think about the cost today because it's astronomical - when you have no health insurance.
There. Now I have acknowledged what I've never said before and just released it into the atmosphere. This is stressful and I've been working so hard at trying to NOT be stressed about it, I feel like a powder keg. The faith that resides in my core is the only thing that is keeping me sane and I'm holding on to that faith with my shortened fingernails.
But I'm still holding on to the belief that everything will be just fine.
My period will come, my cycle will begin, and I will still be moving forward, making my way toward IUI#1.
And I will look back at this post one day while holding my sweet little baby, and as I'm sniffing their sweet smelling head, I will be grateful for everything that I'd ever gone through for them.
But dammit, I have the right to complain. I have the right to be unhappy and to be concerned that my upcoming IUI won't result in a precious little baby. I don't have to be happy and peppy and chipper all the time and I don't have to always be positive. Sometimes, just sometimes, I need to get angry and holler and scream and be upset that I don't have a husband or boyfriend and instead I have to worry about timing and trigger shots and donors and going to the RE instead of just doing this at home with my partner. And the cost... I can not even bear to think about the cost today because it's astronomical - when you have no health insurance.
There. Now I have acknowledged what I've never said before and just released it into the atmosphere. This is stressful and I've been working so hard at trying to NOT be stressed about it, I feel like a powder keg. The faith that resides in my core is the only thing that is keeping me sane and I'm holding on to that faith with my shortened fingernails.
But I'm still holding on to the belief that everything will be just fine.
My period will come, my cycle will begin, and I will still be moving forward, making my way toward IUI#1.
And I will look back at this post one day while holding my sweet little baby, and as I'm sniffing their sweet smelling head, I will be grateful for everything that I'd ever gone through for them.
Teetering on the Edge
I feel like the closer I get, the further away it tries to get from me.
AF is set to start today and already, nothing is the way it usually is. All of my normal symptoms are absent and I'm absolutely beside myself.
I do know that it's just nerves and I need to do some yoga, drink some tea, and calm down. But it's more important than I can even explain! I've times it all and got it down to an approximate science. And yes, I do know that the human body can be as unpredictable as it wants to be. Still. Permission was never granted to veer off course, so I am expecting to see AF front and center. Today!
AF is set to start today and already, nothing is the way it usually is. All of my normal symptoms are absent and I'm absolutely beside myself.
I do know that it's just nerves and I need to do some yoga, drink some tea, and calm down. But it's more important than I can even explain! I've times it all and got it down to an approximate science. And yes, I do know that the human body can be as unpredictable as it wants to be. Still. Permission was never granted to veer off course, so I am expecting to see AF front and center. Today!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
The Reality of Realness
Now that I have made it through Thanksgiving, now is the time for me to focus on my upcoming cycle and my very first IUI. I've purchased the medications (Femara and Ovidrel) and it's just a matter of days before I will be taking them.
In preparing for this, I can only wonder... How did I come to this place? Why aren't I one of the lucky women who could just do this naturally, without any shots or pills or ultrasounds to measure follicles? I don't have any as-of-yet diagnosed infertility, but I am knocking on the door of PCOS and my progesterone is low so my RE feels that some assistance would be beneficial for me since I'm already 40.
I understand that way of thinking, but it really depresses me because I come from a family of breeders (for lack of a better word). The women had many babies, some didn't start until they were in their 30s! Some had children as late as 47, all conceived naturally.
I'll be honest and say that I always thought that I had time. I thought that I inherited those genes and I'd be able to conceive when the time was right. Turns out, that wasn't my legacy.
I will say that I'm so glad to have things to assist and I'm even more blessed to be able to pay for them since I'm not insured. I'm certainly not complaining. I'm just lamenting a bit, feeling a little sad that I have to admit that there is something not functioning properly in me.
In preparing for this, I can only wonder... How did I come to this place? Why aren't I one of the lucky women who could just do this naturally, without any shots or pills or ultrasounds to measure follicles? I don't have any as-of-yet diagnosed infertility, but I am knocking on the door of PCOS and my progesterone is low so my RE feels that some assistance would be beneficial for me since I'm already 40.
I understand that way of thinking, but it really depresses me because I come from a family of breeders (for lack of a better word). The women had many babies, some didn't start until they were in their 30s! Some had children as late as 47, all conceived naturally.
I'll be honest and say that I always thought that I had time. I thought that I inherited those genes and I'd be able to conceive when the time was right. Turns out, that wasn't my legacy.
I will say that I'm so glad to have things to assist and I'm even more blessed to be able to pay for them since I'm not insured. I'm certainly not complaining. I'm just lamenting a bit, feeling a little sad that I have to admit that there is something not functioning properly in me.
Friday, November 26, 2010
One Step Closer
(aka I had a sonohysterogram and all I got were these lousy prescriptions)
It's taken me a little while to write this post because I'm still trying to accept everything that I have learned.
On the 18th of this month, I had a sonohysterogram (which warrants its own blog post) and I found out some results that weren't the best.
My hope was that I would go in and have the procedure, she'd marvel at how healthy all of my girly parts were and then she'd guarantee that I would get pregnant upon my first IUI next month. Unfortunately, the appointment was nothing at all like the fantasy that I had crafted. Instead, it was filled with a lot of sort of bad news/good news. During this visit, I found out the following:
Oh, did I also mention that I'm 40?
So I have a couple of things working against me, but I have a lot working for me. So I'm feeling optimistic about this. My hope is that I will be starting the New Year with a baby in my belly!
It's taken me a little while to write this post because I'm still trying to accept everything that I have learned.
On the 18th of this month, I had a sonohysterogram (which warrants its own blog post) and I found out some results that weren't the best.
My hope was that I would go in and have the procedure, she'd marvel at how healthy all of my girly parts were and then she'd guarantee that I would get pregnant upon my first IUI next month. Unfortunately, the appointment was nothing at all like the fantasy that I had crafted. Instead, it was filled with a lot of sort of bad news/good news. During this visit, I found out the following:
- I have a fibroid. A humongous fibroid. (BOO!) But it is far enough in the uterine wall that there is no distortion. (YAY!)
- I have clear, unobstructed, wide open tubes. (YAY!)
- My progesterone levels during my mid-luteal phase aren't high enough. (BOO!)
- I've been given medication to bring about super ovulation and a trigger shot next month. (BOO and YAY!)
Oh, did I also mention that I'm 40?
So I have a couple of things working against me, but I have a lot working for me. So I'm feeling optimistic about this. My hope is that I will be starting the New Year with a baby in my belly!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
How Far Will I Go?
Next week I have my HsG test and after that, I am all systems go for my first IUI in December. As long as my HsG comes out with an all-clear.
And herein lies my anxiety. Everything else (all blood tests, hormone tests, etc.) have come out very well, so I'm waiting for the other show to drop. I trying my best to be optimistic - and I do believe that everything is going to turn out just fine. But it's just that part of me, not trying to get my hopes up too high so I don't fall too far into disappointment.
In the midst of all of this, I had a thought come to me and it's changed everything that I'd originally believed. I had to ask myself the question: If the IUIs don't work, am I willing to shell out all of the money for IVF or go into the beginning stages of adoption?
I had always said that if the IUI didn't work, then I would follow the next logical steps (IVF and then adoption). But I have to say, with the cost of IVF and the fact that I am paying for it, I'm not sure that I could afford it. And I'm not sure that I want to go through the time (and pain and scrutiny) of adoption. It sounds bad for me to say, but I mean that in all honesty. If the IUIs don't work, I think I'm going to take a trip back to the other side of the world and stay for about a month. I'm not sure that I will make any other attempts if the IUIs don't work. It doesn't diminish my want of being a mother or the desire that I've always had since I was a young girl, but I'm just not sure I'm up for it emotionally. I remember seeing my friends go through IVF. The pain of the emotions, the medication, the financial cost (even though they were insured). And after multiple cycles, it never took.
I remember how devastated she was and I just thought that the amount of money was something I'd never be able to afford. And while I claim this now, it could all change if I found myself in that predicament. Nothing is set in stone.
But I have to be honest and say that my prayer is that it will be enough. I'm looking forward to a BFP! I have hope and I will remain optimistic, odds be damned. I have genes on my side. LOL! I'm believing that I will be another of my family members having children in our 40s!
And herein lies my anxiety. Everything else (all blood tests, hormone tests, etc.) have come out very well, so I'm waiting for the other show to drop. I trying my best to be optimistic - and I do believe that everything is going to turn out just fine. But it's just that part of me, not trying to get my hopes up too high so I don't fall too far into disappointment.
In the midst of all of this, I had a thought come to me and it's changed everything that I'd originally believed. I had to ask myself the question: If the IUIs don't work, am I willing to shell out all of the money for IVF or go into the beginning stages of adoption?
I had always said that if the IUI didn't work, then I would follow the next logical steps (IVF and then adoption). But I have to say, with the cost of IVF and the fact that I am paying for it, I'm not sure that I could afford it. And I'm not sure that I want to go through the time (and pain and scrutiny) of adoption. It sounds bad for me to say, but I mean that in all honesty. If the IUIs don't work, I think I'm going to take a trip back to the other side of the world and stay for about a month. I'm not sure that I will make any other attempts if the IUIs don't work. It doesn't diminish my want of being a mother or the desire that I've always had since I was a young girl, but I'm just not sure I'm up for it emotionally. I remember seeing my friends go through IVF. The pain of the emotions, the medication, the financial cost (even though they were insured). And after multiple cycles, it never took.
I remember how devastated she was and I just thought that the amount of money was something I'd never be able to afford. And while I claim this now, it could all change if I found myself in that predicament. Nothing is set in stone.
But I have to be honest and say that my prayer is that it will be enough. I'm looking forward to a BFP! I have hope and I will remain optimistic, odds be damned. I have genes on my side. LOL! I'm believing that I will be another of my family members having children in our 40s!
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