No, this isn't the normal 2 week wait that most SMCs go through when waiting to see if an IUI or IVF has taken. This is my wait for my salivary hormone test to be examined and the results to be presented to my doctor.
I am still at the very beginning of my journey to being a SMC and right now, I'm trying to find out how I am going to proceed. Will I need medication? Do I have issues with my hormone levels - not enough progesterone, too much estrogen? Are my eggs too old?!
The more I think about all of it, I wonder exactly how crazy I am for doing this. I don't like setting myself up for failure - and I am not saying I'm going to fail. But I have a perfection complex where I like to do everything excellent the first time. The truth of the matter is, part of my fear is that it won't be perfect the first time. I may have to try this numerous times. Or I may actually get pregnant and have a miscarriage. Or I may have to advance from IUI to IVF. (I won't even go any further than that.) The thought of going through all of that frightens me so much, I'm not even sure I can convey the depth of it.
But then I take a deep breath and back and think about the good side of it all. Even if I did have to do this six times or ten times, to have that first time that I get to hold my child against me and smell his little head. Or the relief I'll feel when I count ten little fingers and ten little toes. It pushes that fear into the background and allows me to focus on what's really important: conceiving, carrying a healthy baby, and having a safe delivery.
In the meantime, I'll be here, bouncing from foot to foot, waiting and hoping...
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