How Far Will I Go?

Next week I have my HsG test and after that, I am all systems go for my first IUI in December. As long as my HsG comes out with an all-clear.

And herein lies my anxiety. Everything else (all blood tests, hormone tests, etc.) have come out very well, so I'm waiting for the other show to drop. I trying my best to be optimistic - and I do believe that everything is going to turn out just fine. But it's just that part of me, not trying to get my hopes up too high so I don't fall too far into disappointment.

In the midst of all of this, I had a thought come to me and it's changed everything that I'd originally believed. I had to ask myself the question: If the IUIs don't work, am I willing to shell out all of the money for IVF or go into the beginning stages of adoption?

I had always said that if the IUI didn't work, then I would follow the next logical steps (IVF and then adoption). But I have to say, with the cost of IVF and the fact that I am paying for it, I'm not sure that I could afford it. And I'm not sure that I want to go through the time (and pain and scrutiny) of adoption. It sounds bad for me to say, but I mean that in all honesty. If the IUIs don't work, I think I'm going to take a trip back to the other side of the world and stay for about a month. I'm not sure that I will make any other attempts if the IUIs don't work. It doesn't diminish my want of being a mother or the desire that I've always had since I was a young girl, but I'm just not sure I'm up for it emotionally. I remember seeing my friends go through IVF. The pain of the emotions, the medication, the financial cost (even though they were insured). And after multiple cycles, it never took.

I remember how devastated she was and I just thought that the amount of money was something I'd never be able to afford. And while I claim this now, it could all change if I found myself in that predicament. Nothing is set in stone.

But I have to be honest and say that my prayer is that it will be enough. I'm looking forward to a BFP! I have hope and I will remain optimistic, odds be damned. I have genes on my side. LOL! I'm believing that I will be another of my family members having children in our 40s!