The Calm Before the Calm

I had a post typed up that I was going to share, but in reading it over, I don't feel that I need to say all of that.

I'm basking in bliss and positivity now and I'm only expecting good news.

So I am just going to relax and enjoy this day.

Peace and calm to all of you.

And I thank you so much for your comments and encouraging words and positive thoughts.


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Growing Closer Every Day

Today is 8dpo (8dpiui) and I'm beginning to get nervous. It's not that I'm asymptomatic because I am experiencing some things. My friend is convinced that I am pregnant and I am reserving what I officially feel. But I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility. I think talking to my doctor's office instilled a little doubt in me, to be honest because I've felt absolutely positive before this.

I had my progesterone draw and I need assistance in the progesterone department. They said that if I get a positive beta, I take it for 10 wks, otherwise just for one. Of course, I am praying that I get to take it for 10.

The doctor also said that if this cycle didn't work, they want me to do a hybrid cycle with injectibles next cycle. Hmm. I almost said - "Well this one worked, so I don't need to worry about that." LOL! So I guess in all honesty, I'm feeling positive about this. I'm almost afraid to feel positive about it, but really I do. I feel good about this cycle, even though I only had one mature follicle. As I stated in my last post, that is all it takes. So I'm not giving up hope.

I'm getting my progesterone today and beginning my regimen and I'm planning on having to take it for 10 weeks! I have to think positively about this and believe that my IUI worked. If I go by the symptoms I've been experiencing, I'd definitely say that it did!

I believe...


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Six Days

It's been six days since my IUI and I'm thankful that I've been able to be busy with this holiday season to really focus on it. When I do think about it is at night when the strange dreams come. Last night, every time I closed my eyes I had very vivid dreams. In all of them I know that I am pregnant, even though it is very early on. It leaves me feeling shaky and strange.

Last night's dream stayed with me once I woke up. Not the actual dream itself, but the feeling that I had in knowing that I was pregnant. There was elation, but there was intense fear. I was scared that I wasn't pregnant but also afraid that I was. All of the fear (can I do this, was this the right thing, will I be a good mother) came filtering back in and I woke up with my heart pounding.

One thing that I do know is that I will have these fears. I will wonder if I should have done this or if I should have invested in moving myself to New Zealand as I had dreamed. But the reality is, there is nothing that I want more. And I accept the fear that will come - along with any and all joy, elation, trepidation, and happiness.

It's been six days since I took the biggest step of my life and for now, I just have to wait and see what the outcome is.


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Dreaming of You

I can't be the only one who dreams about my baby, can I?

Last night's dream was very interesting and I can't get it out of my head.

I was at the movies with my mother and my younger brother and during intermission (what?!) he turned to me and said he had to change the baby. I was confused because my niece is going to be three in February, so she's not a baby. (Just ask her!) He got up and when he sat back down, he had this BEAUTIFUL little baby boy and he began changing his diaper on his lap. I just stared at this baby and he looked at me - like he knew me.

And I knew him.

I said to my brother - "That's not your baby, that's MY baby!" And my brother flashed me a big smile as I took him from him and held him to me.

Now what I love most about this dream is that I have dreamed about this baby for a few months now. It is the same baby. He's gorgeous and I always know him and he always knows me.

So the next part is for this to become a reality. I'm making it happen.

While I wait

Coffee on morning of ultrasound: $1.29

Ultrasound at RE's office: $200.00

Being so in tune with your body that you recognize that you ovulated while walking across the parking on the way TO the ultrasound: PRICELESS

------

And yes, that did happen to me.

After my ultrasounds last Thursday and Saturday, I was due to go in on Monday to monitor my follicle's progress. (I only had one promising follicle, but at least I had one.) As I walked from my car across the parking lot, I felt a pop on my right side and I knew that that was it. When I was having the ultrasound, the tech was unable to find the follicle. It was taking forever and she told me she couldn't see it. I asked her what that meant and she said it meant I'd ovulated. To say that I was devastated was an understatement. They said that they would talk to my RE and figure out what to do.

I'm not the type of person to sit around, so I kept talking until I spoke to someone that I knew would be on the phone with the RE as soon as we hung up. So yes, I had ovulated so we had to push everything ahead - quickly. Within 7 hours of my ovulation, I had my IUI and I have to say, I'm thankful that it happened that way. I didn't have time to get nervous or anxious. I was in there and it was done.

And so I wait. It's 2dpo/2dpiui and I have a long wait ahead of me. I gave myself the Ovidrel shot on Monday and the bloating is disappearing. I have my progesterone check next Monday, my beta the following Monday.  The only thing that I have to do is relax and be positive. I admit that I was bummed that I only had the one follicle that grew, but in the grand scheme of things, it only takes one!

Relax and Breathe

Today was a hard day for some reason. I received excellent news from the andrologist about the quality of my AD, but it only put me in a further state of panic. I think it's just because I know that not only is it soon, but it's REALLY soon. My ultrasound is in three days, I trigger and then IUI a day or two after that. But the worst part is that the negative voice has decided it wanted to take residence in my brain and has been telling me how it's not going to work and why am I bothering...

I'm trying not to hyperventilate. 

All I want to do is relax and breathe. I'm holding on to any and all hope that I can muster that this will work for me because I don't have insurance to pay for numerous procedures. I'd really rather be spending my money on the child than spending it all to get one.* But I'll do whatever I have to do to make it happen.

Until it does, until it happens (and it will happen), I'll be reteaching myself to relax and to inhale.


Exhale.




*I apologize if that sounds selfish, but I'm feeling a bit selfish tonight.

Send in the Clowns

Today is CD7 and I am loving it!

Apparently construction has started on the circus tent that is to be housed in my uterus. I can feel the twinges and pangs and while it makes me a bit anxious, it also excites me to no end. All I keep thinking is - "I'm building you a new home, baby!"

I should have posted yesterday, but I just was not feeling up to the challenge. Yesterday was the day for me to make my final donor selection and I was heartbroken when I found out that my #1 choice was out. As was my #2. #3 was no longer listed because he was also out, so at this point I was almost in tears with the poor person at the lab. Finally I went through my old donor favorite list I had printed out and found one that I had mistakenly deleted off the list. (I remember when I did it, I told myself to re-add him, but I forget to do to.) I asked for him and was told that he was in.

The thing is, it wasn't that he was my fourth choice. I believe that, in reality, he was my first choice. As I went back through and read and saw his picture I wondered why he hadn't been my first choice.

So I've taken what I had initially believed to be a negative and seen it for what it really is - an incredible positive. It is apparent that HE was meant to be the one.

I'm moving forward, so excited about my upcoming IUI and hoping and believing that I will get that BFP for New Year's!

Off and Running

I have had this thought of having a child for the past ten years.

I have been working with a natural doctor on my hormone levels for the past seven months.

I have been working with an RE for the past three months.

I have been on my first official TTC cycle (IUI#1) for three days.

And tonight, I have taken my first round of Femara.

Finally. A decade in the making and I'm finally making this happen.

12 Days

12 days.

My first IUI is tentatively in twelve days.

By Christmas, I may have an inkling as to whether I'm pregnant.

By New Years Eve, I will have had my first beta and if all goes well, I will have missed my period.

That means I could possibly be pregnant by January of next year.

Unbelievable.

I shall remain hopeful and positive for this IUI.

In 12 days, my life could be forever changed.

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A Day Late

I have to stop myself sometimes when I'm writing because I won't allow myself to be myself. I'm a Libra, so I tend to look for the balance at all times. So in writing this post this evening in which I find myself anxious and a little depressed because my cycle did not start today as it should have, my brain immediately chastised me because I should acknowledge all of the good things about today instead of complaining.

But dammit, I have the right to complain. I have the right to be unhappy and to be concerned that my upcoming IUI won't result in a precious little baby. I don't have to be happy and peppy and chipper all the time and I don't have to always be positive. Sometimes, just sometimes, I need to get angry and holler and scream and be upset that I don't have a husband or boyfriend and instead I have to worry about timing and trigger shots and donors and going to the RE instead of just doing this at home with my partner. And the cost... I can not even bear to think about the cost today because it's astronomical - when you have no health insurance.

There. Now I have acknowledged what I've never said before and just released it into the atmosphere. This is stressful and I've been working so hard at trying to NOT be stressed about it, I feel like a powder keg. The faith that resides in my core is the only thing that is keeping me sane and I'm holding on to that faith with my shortened fingernails.

But I'm still holding on to the belief that everything will be just fine.

My period will come, my cycle will begin, and I will still be moving forward, making my way toward IUI#1.

And I will look back at this post one day while holding my sweet little baby, and as I'm sniffing their sweet smelling head, I will be grateful for everything that I'd ever gone through for them.

Teetering on the Edge

I feel like the closer I get, the further away it tries to get from me.

AF is set to start today and already, nothing is the way it usually is. All of my normal symptoms are absent and I'm absolutely beside myself.

I do know that it's just nerves and I need to do some yoga, drink some tea, and calm down. But it's more important than I can even explain! I've times it all and got it down to an approximate science. And yes, I do know that the human body can be as unpredictable as it wants to be. Still. Permission was never granted to veer off course, so I am expecting to see AF front and center. Today!

The Reality of Realness

Now that I have made it through Thanksgiving, now is the time for me to focus on my upcoming cycle and my very first IUI. I've purchased the medications (Femara and Ovidrel) and it's just a matter of days before I will be taking them.

In preparing for this, I can only wonder... How did I come to this place? Why aren't I one of the lucky women who could just do this naturally, without any shots or pills or ultrasounds to measure follicles? I don't have any as-of-yet diagnosed infertility, but I am knocking on the door of PCOS and my progesterone is low so my RE feels that some assistance would be beneficial for me since I'm already 40.

I understand that way of thinking, but it really depresses me because I come from a family of breeders (for lack of a better word). The women had many babies, some didn't start until they were in their 30s! Some had children as late as 47, all conceived naturally.

I'll be honest and say that I always thought that I had time. I thought that I inherited those genes and I'd be able to conceive when the time was right. Turns out, that wasn't my legacy.

I will say that I'm so glad to have things to assist and I'm even more blessed to be able to pay for them since I'm not insured. I'm certainly not complaining. I'm just lamenting a bit, feeling a little sad that I have to admit that there is something not functioning properly in me.

One Step Closer

(aka I had a sonohysterogram and all I got were these lousy prescriptions)

It's taken me a little while to write this post because I'm still trying to accept everything that I have learned.

On the 18th of this month, I had a sonohysterogram (which warrants its own blog post) and I found out some results that weren't the best.

My hope was that I would go in and have the procedure, she'd marvel at how healthy all of my girly parts were and then she'd guarantee that I would get pregnant upon my first IUI next month. Unfortunately, the appointment was nothing at all like the fantasy that I had crafted. Instead, it was filled with a lot of sort of bad news/good news. During this visit, I found out the following:

1. I have a fibroid. A humongous fibroid. (BOO!) But it is far enough in the uterine wall that there is no distortion. (YAY!)
2. I have clear, unobstructed, wide open tubes. (YAY!)
3. My progesterone levels during my mid-luteal phase aren't high enough. (BOO!)
4. I've been given medication to bring about super ovulation and a trigger shot next month. (BOO and YAY!)

Now, I have never in this life attempted to get pregnant, so there is no actual diagnosis of infertility. I have a few factors, but that wouldn't necessarily stop me. That makes me happy. But I do have to admit that there was a level of disappointment that I had any of those issues wrong with me. I wanted to be deemed perfectly ready to go!

Oh, did I also mention that I'm 40?

So I have a couple of things working against me, but I have a lot working for me. So I'm feeling optimistic about this. My hope is that I will be starting the New Year with a baby in my belly!

How Far Will I Go?

Next week I have my HsG test and after that, I am all systems go for my first IUI in December. As long as my HsG comes out with an all-clear.

And herein lies my anxiety. Everything else (all blood tests, hormone tests, etc.) have come out very well, so I'm waiting for the other show to drop. I trying my best to be optimistic - and I do believe that everything is going to turn out just fine. But it's just that part of me, not trying to get my hopes up too high so I don't fall too far into disappointment.

In the midst of all of this, I had a thought come to me and it's changed everything that I'd originally believed. I had to ask myself the question: If the IUIs don't work, am I willing to shell out all of the money for IVF or go into the beginning stages of adoption?

I had always said that if the IUI didn't work, then I would follow the next logical steps (IVF and then adoption). But I have to say, with the cost of IVF and the fact that I am paying for it, I'm not sure that I could afford it. And I'm not sure that I want to go through the time (and pain and scrutiny) of adoption. It sounds bad for me to say, but I mean that in all honesty. If the IUIs don't work, I think I'm going to take a trip back to the other side of the world and stay for about a month. I'm not sure that I will make any other attempts if the IUIs don't work. It doesn't diminish my want of being a mother or the desire that I've always had since I was a young girl, but I'm just not sure I'm up for it emotionally. I remember seeing my friends go through IVF. The pain of the emotions, the medication, the financial cost (even though they were insured). And after multiple cycles, it never took.

I remember how devastated she was and I just thought that the amount of money was something I'd never be able to afford. And while I claim this now, it could all change if I found myself in that predicament. Nothing is set in stone.

But I have to be honest and say that my prayer is that it will be enough. I'm looking forward to a BFP! I have hope and I will remain optimistic, odds be damned. I have genes on my side. LOL! I'm believing that I will be another of my family members having children in our 40s!

The Greatest Gift

I had been going back and forth these past few months as to when I was going to buckle down and have my first ICI. I had picked out the bank, the donor, and the date that I was going to do my ICI at home and I was very secure in that decision. For a while.

Then things began to happen around me and my situation began to change drastically:

• I suddenly had a very drastic and quick weight gain and my doctors and I knew there was something off with my body. (I'm currently fighting iron and Vitamin D deficiencies - drastic ones - and my metabolic system basically shut-down. Because of that, I've piled on more pounds than I am comfortable with.)
• And to top it all off, my current work situation, which has improved this year, is off to a slow start.

So I decided to put things off from before my birthday (in October) to sometime next spring. I decided that I was going to take a trip to New Zealand, sort of as a last hurrah, and then once I came back in March, I was going to do my procedure. It was in my heart and my mind and my soul and I was so excited about going on my New Zealand adventure -- until I had the dream.

I had two dreams, actually. The first dream, I was about four months pregnant with twins - a boy and a girl - and I don't think I had ever been happier in all of my life. I was literally glowing and I just thought about how happy and excited and elated and scared I was. I knew there was no greater adventure than being a mother and it was all I could think about. When I woke the next morning and found myself saying 'baby' three times more than 'New Zealand' on into the following month, I knew that I was going to make some changes. A few weeks after that, I had a dream about actually giving birth to a beautiful son and the moment that I had him, they laid him on my chest and I was talking to him and stroking him and bonding with him. It was literally the greatest feeling on earth. That dream cemented my decision. Lord willing, New Zealand will still be there years from now and I will even take my child/ren with me to enjoy the amazing country. But for now, all that matters, all that is important is for me to move forward with this.

I've been talking more openly to friends and family about my decision and I know that I have their love and support. I had an appointment with an amazing gynecologist who recommended me to an RE that many in this area know, so I am going to be having an IUI instead. I'm going to do the testing and everything because when I do this, I want to have the best chance of pregnancy that I can possible have.

Overall, I am very pleased and I have decided that once I meet with my RE in October (and I'm believing that I'm pretty healthy and won't have any issues), we can proceed with me having my procedure in January 2011.

My heart, mind, and soul are fully committed to this and I am ready for this greatest role of my lifetime. I'm going to be a mother and I don't feel there's anything better for me in this world.

Back and Forth and Back Again

(or Inside the Mind of an SMC-in-training)

This past week, I've been talking to friends of mine and the question that I kept asking everyone was, "Am I crazy?"

I asked this because a part of me thinks I'm crazy for voluntarily becoming a single mother. I have known many single mothers in my lifetime and it's not been an easy road for them. If I were to just go by their experiences, it would be easy for me to shrug it off as momentary insanity for wanting to become an SMC. But in looking deeper, I see that their circumstances are not the same as my circumstance. In their cases, they had a husband/boyfriend who left them or a man who didn't want to take parental responsibility. The mothers weren't necessarily ready financially or emotionally to raise the child on their own and they were left with no time to think or plan their next step.

But when I look at my situation, I am budgeting my money, paying my bills ahead of time, preparing myself emotionally, mentally, financially, physically... In any and every way possible, I am getting ready to be a mother. I know that once I have a child, my life is not about me, except for what I can do for my child - and I have no problem at all with that.

I have done many things that I have wanted to do - traveled to Europe, moved to the West Coast, traveled to the other side of the world - and someday I'll do the remainder of things on my list with my child. I don't feel like I will be missing out on anything and I am ready to fully commit myself to being a mother. Because I can say that with all honesty, I know that I am truly ready to do this.

A friend of mine said something interesting to me the other day. She told me that I'm in the minority because 30% of babies born in the US are actually planned. The statistic is staggering to me, but I truly believe it.

So in answering my own question as to whether I'm crazy, the answer is yes. But that has nothing to do with my decision to become an SMC. What's most important is that I am ready for this and I am looking forward to it and I know my life will only be enhanced (as will the life of my child and all my family and friends). All roads that I've traveled have led to this point and I am ready for the next leg of this exciting journey.

My 2WW (not the one you think!)

No, this isn't the normal 2 week wait that most SMCs go through when waiting to see if an IUI or IVF has taken. This is my wait for my salivary hormone test to be examined and the results to be presented to my doctor.

I am still at the very beginning of my journey to being a SMC and right now, I'm trying to find out how I am going to proceed. Will I need medication? Do I have issues with my hormone levels - not enough progesterone, too much estrogen? Are my eggs too old?!

The more I think about all of it, I wonder exactly how crazy I am for doing this. I don't like setting myself up for failure - and I am not saying I'm going to fail. But I have a perfection complex where I like to do everything excellent the first time. The truth of the matter is, part of my fear is that it won't be perfect the first time. I may have to try this numerous times. Or I may actually get pregnant and have a miscarriage. Or I may have to advance from IUI to IVF. (I won't even go any further than that.) The thought of going through all of that frightens me so much, I'm not even sure I can convey the depth of it.

But then I take a deep breath and back and think about the good side of it all. Even if I did have to do this six times or ten times, to have that first time that I get to hold my child against me and smell his little head. Or the relief I'll feel when I count ten little fingers and ten little toes. It pushes that fear into the background and allows me to focus on what's really important: conceiving, carrying a healthy baby, and having a safe delivery.

In the meantime, I'll be here, bouncing from foot to foot, waiting and hoping...

Spitting for the Cause

Such a disgusting title for a blog entry, I know! But trust me, this plays a part in my quest for motherhood because today I am taking the salivary hormone test. And basically, all I'm doing is filling these vials with, you guessed it -  spit.

Now, anyone who knows me can attest to my natural aversion to all body fluids. I find spitting to be disgusting and we won't even go into any of the others. You can only imagine my reaction to those other things! But in spite of my discomfort, I'm sitting rereading instructions,  counting my vials, and setting the alarm on my phone to wake me for my last, um, spitting at 2:30 in the morning. Had anyone told me this past January that I'd be doing this, I would have laughed them out of the room. Hogwash!

But something much bigger is happening with me taking this test. I am learning a very important life lesson that will hold true for me from this moment on: This isn't about me.

In becoming a mother, it's not about my comfort level or what I like or even what I want. It's about my child, about his needs, his desires, and whatever makes him happy. It's a very worthwhile life lesson that I'm glad I'm learning now - even if it is all because of having to spit in a few vials!

Why I Am Here

When I was fifteen, my best friend and I had started making plans on how we would raise our children together. Just two single women in a house with our children, as if that was the most normal thing one could imagine. While my other friends were dreaming of wedding dresses and the colors their bridesmaid dresses would be, I thought of being a mother, raising my children with a supportive group of friends and family. From that time on, I believed I'd be a single mother and I had absolutely no problem with that.

As I grew older, I found myself in a few relationships - one that included discussion of marriage - but none of them worked out and I have no regrets about that. And as I'm sitting here, three decades after the initial discussions with my best friend at the time, I find myself single with my desire to be a mother even stronger than ever. I've always said that I don't have a need to be married. I'd like it, but it's not necessary. But I have a desire to be a mother. I feel that is what I was put on this earth to be.

And so here I am, embarking on this journey that somehow, in the back of my mind, I've always known I'd find myself on. Part of me wishes that I had started a little earlier but in reality, I am glad that I am starting this journey now - at the age of 39. I have a great job that is very flexible and pays well, I am living in a city that I adore, and I am feeling much happier and more settled within my own self.

Now is the time and I am so excited to be here preparing for the greatest adventure that I will ever embark on.